Nothing

I feel empty.

I know I'm not empty, but somehow just the knowledge doesn't change anything. I cannot understand this lethargy, this death within life. I do not understand it. I have done nothing today except work out for one hour and do a load of laundry and take out the trash. I have done nothing else. And when I say nothing, I mean NOTHING. How is it possible to sit in one place and do nothing for so long? Why doesn't my body revolt, and get up, and walk off? Why doesn't some piece of my brain want to do SOMETHING? How can I just sleep and sleep and sleep?

I am sad. I wish I was a tiny, tiny baby. I want to be protected, but I don't know from what. I wish I could just let out how I feel, but I can't.

I need to eat something and then brush my teeth and take my night meds and find some clean pajamas and go to bed. Just the thought of all that is overwhelming. I am pushing myself through life; me, pushing me. And I am very hard to push.

We had another snow storm last night. The snow makes me cold everywhere. Everything is dark, so dark. The darkness of night brings a panic with it that I don't understand and can't avoid. "Sundowning," they called it at Acadia. Panic when the sun goes down. This is not a good thing for a Mainer to have. I need sun all the time. I need lightness and brightness.

Right now I'm not crying all the time. I haven't cried in four whole days.

I wish I hadn't screwed up. Now I have to live with that, for a while anyway. It's amazing how long and hard it is to move forward, but how quickly one can go backward. Ziiiiip. One tiny second, one moment of unguardness, and it's all back where it started and the fight seems so unworth it. What am I fighting for? Why am I trying so hard? To please people? Or God?

I don't want to live my life trying to please people. I want to have a better reason.