Crazy

I'm having a Boo Radley moment. More like a Boo Radley day. I sucked at bells practice today. I couldn't play any notes where I was supposed to and worse I didn't really care. I like playing the bells a lot; I hate it when I don't care. Christin invited me to the house after for supper and gave me soup and Nico helped me eat it. Then I read a trashy magazine about Britney's hair crisis and Lindsay's lack of recovery despite all the money spent on her rehab.

Quelle Horreur!

Now I have had my Benny & Joon fix and it is time for bed. I freeze the screen and I just stare and stare and stare at her room. I don't know why. I have four pillows too. I have a teddy bear. Somebody gave it to me when I was in Acadia. Another patient, I mean. They had it brought in for me. I hadn't really named him until the cops wanted to know what his name was and then I said "Tyler." I don't know why. Tyler has no meaning. The cops put him in a box behind the desk at the police station and gave him a number. Forty something, I think it was. Or twenty. They gave me a blanket. I want a blanket now. I want someone to tuck me in. I want someone to tell me to brush my teeth and hair and then tuck me into bed.

I did not sleep at all today. I ran errands. I drove the trolls out of my house and cleaned up the mess they left behind. I painted a picture with my fingers and it is finished. I don't like it. It's not complicated enough. It didn't require planning. But Ellen says it's beautiful. So maybe it is.

I had this blog offline for awhile. I may take it back off, I don't know. I feel like the world is crouched, just waiting to gobble me up. No matter how fast I spin in circles I never can see all around me at the same time, so there is always an unprotected part to me, like the cars that drive up behind me on the road. Sometimes I have this insane urge to flee from them as fast as possible, go 90 MPH just to get away. I almost did on the way to Amanda's once but I stopped myself, right by those big oaks by the road. I thought, "You're acting crazy," and I stopped. Is acting crazy being crazy? I'm not crazy. I'm just awfully tired of being grown up.