Safe Pastures

I am so disillusioned. I am dead inside my head. I am listening to the wrong kind of book and it's not helping. I'm writing whatever's coming from my head, whatever music is playing there. There is no tone, no chords, no lyrics, just noise. These thoughts only have the power I give them, I can block them out if I split my mind and send part of my mind to a safe place and think from only there. Safe thoughts where there is no panic and no fear and no desire to hurt or be hurt. I can stay there if I focus, if I fix my mind on one thing and only one. I can't interact, I can't speak, I can't see the world, but I can clear my mind. One thing, just one thing, I have to think of just one thing. There is no past, no present, no future, just one thing. I cannot laugh or play or sing, but I can create a calm, a zone around my head, and live in it, as long as I can focus, as long as I can split. I can forget all the horror, leave behind all the sharp things, the knives and razors and desires, and walk in pastures green and lush, by waters still and calm. There is no other place, just a stream and a pasture and my mind, a created calm, a false peace, and for which I will exchange the world.