Why Won't You Take Me?

The pain is ripping me open. I don't know what to do with it. I've taken six sleeping pills so far tonight and I can't touch it, I can't make it stop, I can't even begin to slow it down. I've walked myself over to the church at 10:30 at night and I'm typing this from there, unable to drive the demons away. I don't know what to do. Cutting seems like the only solution, and overwhelming need. There is nothing sharp here. I can sit in the darkness of this building and there is nothing sharp next to me, but I am so lonely I want to chew my hand off. I cannot begin to explain this pain. I can't numb it. I can't faze it. I can't fall asleep in it. Drugs don't touch it. Alcohol doesn't touch it. I have so much pain stampeding through my veins that I don't even know what part of me is in control anymore.

Piece of me wants to think this is the end of life. I beg God, "Why won't you take me?" even as I know the answer. But it would be so much better if he would. Please God, let me sleep, let me sleep, let me sleep. She said she would call me back. I waited by the phone for three hours. She never called. I wander Pittsfield and it is so empty. I almost want someone to attack me, so then I will have something to sob about that everyone else will understand too. No one can understand the kind of pain I have now, it's just not possible. I feel like my guts have been pulled out of my body and are lying about on the floor in piles and yet I am still breathing, still inhaling, still surviving from one moment to the next, without my own permission or volition.

Why can't it stop? Why won't it stop? How long can I cry before I've run out of tears? Where will I go after church stops being a solace? I want to be held. I want somebody so badly but I don't know who to get. It is too late at night to get anyone. I am alone, I can't change that. There are no more pills to take, unless I really want to overdose. I don't know what else to do. Cutting would fix this, cutting would help. But please dear God I don't want to keep going back there, I want to be able to live with myself in the morning.

Why do I feel like my life is over before it ever started? I can't do this. I can't make it. I can't keep smiling. I am wiped out from the pain and yet it goes on and on and on and I have run out of options.

Dear God, why don't you just take me? Why?